Hogwarts is Still Alive
by Silverneko9lives0
Summary: Something is wrong with Hermione and does heaven serve drugs to it's inhabitants? rated T for random content not appropriate for children...and cake...don't ask...


I hope you're ready to read the most insane thing I've come up with since "the Result of Sugar."

I don't own Harry Potter or Portal (nor have I played the game, but I know the song and I like it a lot!)

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Hermione Granger stood over the potion she had been working on and began to laugh maniacally. The potion was supposed to give extra fire power to muggle weapons, so that they could be used in the war against Voldemort.

Dipping her wand and an automatic pistol into the potion, she waited for five minutes. When she pulled them out, she set her wand on top of the gun and watched the gun mold with the wand.

"Cool! Now it should be able to be used in the war!"

"Well, well, Hermione Granger. What are you doing in my basement?" Lucius Malfoy asked. Hermione turned to him, her eye twitching.

She picked up her new weapon and aimed it at him. Lucius blinked.

Bang! Zip!

Lucius fell to the ground with a bullet in his head and a green glow vibrated into his body.

"Oops…Oh well," Hermione said, grabbing another piece of cake.

***

"Welcome to Heaven," the angel said to Severus Snape in an overly cheerful voice that made Severus cringe. "What can I do for you?"

"I'm looking for a few old classmates, uh, Lily and James Potter, Remus Lupin, and Sirius Black? Oh! And an old teacher named Albus Dumbledore."

"Oh, you're one of the wizards are you? Down the hall and to the left, thank you!"

Severus followed the directions that the angel gave him and he had an enormous suspicion that the door that had the sign "Wizard/Witch Room" was where he was supposed to go. Opening the door, his eyes widened.

THIS WAS NO MERE ROOM!!

To fit every good wizard that ever existed since time began in here and still have room was amazing in itself!

"Sev! So you finally passed on!" Lily said. Severus nodded, slightly perturbed at the wide eyes his best friend had.

"Nice to see you in heaven, Snape," the Marauders said.

"I guess so…"

"Oh! Just so you know, no one's mad at you for joining the death eaters and helping Voldemort so you could kill me and Harry just to get to my wife," James answered. "We're all buddies now, so we should get along, right?"

"Er…yeah…" _What are they feeding them here!?_

***

"Lets all go out and whip their sorry asses!" Harry Potter shouted. The school yelled their agreement. Hermione tapped him on the shoulder and he turned to her.

"I'm just going to stay here," she told him.

"What? Why?" Harry asked.

"I have something I need to do."

"But Hermione we need you!" Ron countered. Harry nodded.

"Get Luna to do it."

"Luna?" Ron asked.

"Maybe…" Harry said, contemplating the chances of having Luna take Hermione's place. Before a verdict between them was reached, Hermione began to laugh loudly.

"Right! Like Luna could be any better than me!" She went to the desert table and grabbed a piece of cake. She held some out to Harry and Ron, who were staring at her as though she had gone bonkers. "Cake?" she offered.

"Er…no thanks…"

Hermione shrugged and looked at her watch. "Oh! I got to go! Have fun with the battle you guys!"

"HERMIONE!!!"

***

"Don't you want to know what that Mudblood is up to?" Draco asked Harry and Ron.

"Well…"

"And my father's been missing for three days! Then my mum disappeared. Now Aunt Bella, not that I care that she disappeared."

"Alright, we'll go see what she's up to."

*ten minutes later, they have found Hermione's secret layer.*

"HERMIONE JANE GRANGER!!!"

"WHAT DID SHE DO TO THEM!!"

"ISN'T IT ILLEGAL TO CONDUCT HUMAN EXPERIMENTS???"

"MUM!! DAD!! AUNT BELLA!!"

"I put this here, and that there…"

"Whoa!"

Harry falls onto the ground in pain from his scar bursting by how close Voldemort is to him.

"Are you conducting human experiments?"

"I'm trying to make a Frankenstein Monster," Hermione giggled.

Ron and Draco grabbed Harry and pulled him out, leaving Voldemort and Hermione to their sick little hobby.

"Ron, maybe you should go with someone who's sanity is much more down to earth."

"Like who? Luna?"

"Yes."

"I would rather stay alive…"

"At least we are still alive."

"Good point."

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Thanks for reading! Don't care if you review, or flame. I'm alive and that's what counts! :D


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